Michael: Now I know there are some rumors out there, and I just kinda want to set the record straight...
Dwight: Uh, I'm Assistant Regional Manager, I should know first.
Michael: Assistant to the Regional Manager.

Angela: What do you want?
Dwight: To give you this.
Angela: Oh, what is that?
Dwight: It's a feral barn cat. I trapped him last night and I'm giving him to you as a replacement cat for the one I destroyed.
Angela: Her name was Sprinkles.
Dwight: And his name is... Garbage. Mose calls him Garbage because he likes to eat garbage Don't you Garbage?

Dwight: Are you enjoying your vegetarian noodles?
Angela: Very much. How's your meat?
Dwight: Dry. Delicious.
Angela: I heard a joke today.
Dwight: Oh, that's funny.
Angela: Yes, it was.
Dwight: Are you enjoying your mineral water?
Angela: I can't do this. I can't be with you. Every time I look in your eyes I see Sprinkles' stiff lifeless body.

Dwight: I don't care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure. 

Jim: Dwight, what are you doing?
Dwight: What?
Jim: What are you doing?
Dwight: Just clearing my desk. I can't concentrate.
Jim: It's not on your desk!
Dwight: It's overlapping. It's all spilling over the edge. One word, two syllables. Demarcation.

Michael: So, you are all going to have a drug test. And I am not.
Dwight: No, you will be tested.
Michael: Yes, I will not be.
Dwight: No, you will be. That is the law, according to the rules.
Michael: OK, well, Dwight, just know that I've been very busy today, and I've got a lot of work to do, and I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom, and I don't even know if anything's going to come out. 

Dwight: You can't do that!
Jim: Why not?
Dwight: Safety violation. I could fall and pierce... an organ.
Jim: [crossing his fingers] We'll see. [to camera] See, this is why the whole downsizing thing just doesn't bother me.
Dwight: Downsizing?! 

Dwight: For your convenience, I've broken it down into three parts: professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and Dwight Schrute trivia.

Andy: How do you not have a toothbrush?
Erin: I just, there's always one around.

Robert: That was never on the table.